Gates was trying to make a point when he kicked off 2015 with a tall glass of feces.
“I watched the piles of feces go up the conveyer belt and drop into a large bin," Gates blogged about his introduction to the Janicki Omni Processor, soon to be operating in Dakar, Senegal. "They made their way through the machine, getting boiled and treated. A few minutes later I took a long taste of the end result: a glass of delicious drinking water. The water tasted as good as any I’ve had out of a bottle. And having studied the engineering behind it, I would happily drink it every day. It’s that safe.”
Thanks to Gates’ funding, the Omni Processor will one day do great things for hundreds of millions of people living without clean water. But until then, we still get to snicker that Bill Gates drank some poop. He totally did! Did you see it? Groooooss!
(Don't think you've ever eaten poop? Not so fast. Before you get too cocky, you might want to read about What the FDA Allows in Your Food.)
That's not even the most unappetizing food story of the week. It seems like everyone wants to play the what-else-can-we-drink game. And for now, the Steðji's brewery in Iceland is winning.
Just in time for their annual Thorri festival, the brewery is making its Hvalur 2 beer with the testicles of fin whales.
Now, obviously, the testes of marine mammals vary due to complex scientific factors, but the bottom line is, an average male fin whale is as big as 10 elephants, so you can probably picture the balls on him.
Dagbjartur Arilíusson, one of the owners of the brewery in Borgarfjörður, claims that each batch of his Hvalur 2 brew has one whole whale testicle. And that testicle is cured, lightly salted, and smoked "according to an old, Icelandic tradition."
As much as testicles sound heady as a beer flavoring, there are some people who eat the whole damn thing. It’s kind of a cowboy thing, this cooking of testicles from gelded lambs and calves. Like what we think every outlaw in every Western movie would’ve eaten for breakfast. But typically, these Rocky Mountain Oysters, or lamb or calf fries as they’re often nicknamed, are served as an appetizer—though not at TGI Fridays.
As long as you’re going to cook with cojones, why stop there?
That brings us to penis. Is it ever used as an ingredient? And if so, which animal is giving up his junk for some kind of culinary revelry?
Beijing’s epic Guolizhuang Restaurant is the only eatery that's candid about its penis-heavy menu. On the cheap end, you can get the penis of a yak for around $200. Then there’s Russian dog penis. And donkey penis. And then, kind of the caviar of animal genitalia dishes, the tiger penis. The price for that is estimated at about $1,500, depending on the season and the origin of the tiger.
And to drink, may they suggest a deer blood and vodka?
If the idea of animal flesh and blood is taking things too far, it’s easy to explore exotic, sexy foods using what you already have in your own kitchen. Namely, your own semen.
There’s an old cookbook called Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes, that you can easily find online. Because the taste of semen is “complex and dynamic” and is “inexpensive to produce,” it can “give every dish you make an interesting twist.” So for around $10 for the Kindle edition, that’s 62 pages of reasons to masturbate in the kitchen.
It’s hard to get a straightforward answer about what any of this food and drink tastes like. But if it’s cooked and seasoned with enough flair, we think it probably tastes just as delicious as Gates’ feces water.
(Before you start cooking your sperm—if, you know, you're into that sort of thing—make sure you've got the best ingredients. Learn the 7 Signs You’ve Got Healthy Semen.)
While most of the experimental foodies think that adding some exotic ingredients is all in a day’s work, and it’s something they’re kind of proud of, that wasn’t the case when stories started circulating online that the energy drink Red Bull was made with the semen of an actual bull. For the record, it’s not. But because of the persistent rumors, the company eventually had to go public with some explanation for where the taurine in their beverage actually originated.
“Many people bet it comes from some delicate parts of the strongest and most potent bulls in the world," the company’s website says. "But the fact is that the taurine in Red Bull is produced synthetically to the highest quality standards."
So, fake bull semen.
Bon appétit!
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