Let's start: I've slept with nearly 20 guys.
I'll
just drop that there. Not as a brag (Is it brag-worthy? Is it a low
number? A high number? Who the hell knows?) but just as a fact.
One
time was in a ski bubble lift. (OK, maybe that's a slight brag... but I
do feel like something was achieved there.) A few of those partners
were boyfriends. Some were "friends with benefits" and some were very
brief affairs. Some guys were very sweet and some were complete douches –
you live and learn.
Although my sexual history
has been fairly varied, there is one common factor across all my sexual
experiences. Something big and important has been missing. I have never,
ever, ever had an orgasm with a partner.
The
part where I confidently straddle the man and whip my perfectly tousled
hair back while screaming in ecstasy – as promised by TV – has never
come close to existing for me. Not that I can't orgasm. I do, and do
very well, on my own and with a number of sex toys.
By
the time I was 19, I had had two boyfriends with which I was sexually
active. I had been with my then-boyfriend for 2 years. Like any teen, I
got horny and I loved making out with my boyfriend. But no matter what I
tried, there came a point when in the bedroom where my body would go,
“Nope. That's enough for you.”
I got aroused, but
no more than that. After months of experimentation, physical intimacy
stopped interesting me. It was fine, I guess. But just "fine."
I
cant fault my then-boyfriend for not trying, he was very patient and
understanding. He was caring and generous and he deeply wanted me to
enjoy our physical relationship as much as he did. We (and future
boyfriends) tried oral sex and manual clitoral stimulation; I wasn't
just laying back and waiting for intercourse to get me off. But for
whatever reason, it just didn't work.
It was during this relationship that I discovered my
experience wasn't "normal." It was a boozy evening with the girls from
college, so naturally sex talk was on the agenda. My friends eagerly
swapped stories on what got them off and who they'd had their best
experiences with. They all enthusiastically agreed they loved sex.
My
mind was blown. I tried to keep my face neutral as I had a wine-fueled
epiphany. All my friends loved sex and seemed to orgasm during it more
often than not. It was expected. It was normal.
And I was not.
Until
then I had believed the myth that women didn't really want or enjoy
sex, and that the female orgasm was an elusive thing. I assumed most
girls had similar experiences to my own. I believed the old TV trope
about a wife faking a headache to get out of sex with her husband. It
backed up my assumptions that dissatisfaction in bed was common for
women.
Eventually things ended with my boyfriend of two
years. After getting over the break-up, I must admit I was looking
forward to the future. This was IT. I was going to discover all the hot,
young, wild sex I had been hearing about.
I was
excited to discover what I had been missing out on. I dated a few other
guys and, although I had fun, I still never got slightly close to
enjoying sex. It was Just Fine.
There was
another boyfriend, and I was honest with him about my past, and we tried
the old things, plus lots of new things, but still nothing happened.
Looking back, I now see that I was putting too much pressure on myself.
After
that relationship ended, I decided to take a long break from the dating
game. I make an effort to accept myself the way I was, and to try and
remove the pressure I had put on myself.
In a
society where sex – especially "great" sex – is so important and always
shoved in your face, it can be hard not to feel a little bit broken.
Like everyone else is in on something that you can't be a part of.
I
tried to get to know my body and work toward improving my relationship
with sex. I now know there are others who find it harder to reach
orgasm. I've read various articles by sex therapists, and even found
myself on the Cosmo sex advice page (Cosmo, you crazy).
I
know all the maxims: Enjoy the sexual journey; don't put pressure on
yourself on finish; be with someone you trust; take it slow; don't start
with penetrative sex straight away. (I will never get over the icky
weird feeling that reading “penetrative” gives me). I understand the
advice, but when it comes to the actual event, my body still reacts the
same way.
I know I should “just relax” and “be
in the moment” and “go with whatever feels good.” Which is all very
well, but there is a considerable difference between telling yourself
its mother-effing time to relax... and actually relaxing. All it does
its make me aware IM NOT AT ALL RELAXED.
Its now
become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I worry each sexual
encounter will be yet another "fine" experience, so I stress out, thus
probably ruining any chance of actually enjoying it.
I
love dating and meeting people. I love the thrill of flirting and
getting to know someone. I don't want to give up on my love life because
of a bedroom issue. But still, whenever it starts to get physical with a
guy – whether its someone I've been with for a while or someone I'm
just looking for some fun with – I find myself over-thinking and
stressing myself out.
Will this just be like all the other times?”
I mean, I want to do it.. but is it just going to be another disappointment?
Shit, you're over-thinking.
Just enjoy it.
Am I enjoying this?
...Maybe if I wasn't analyzing it so much...
Or, on the rare occasions that I'm feeling particularly pessimistic, What's even the point?
While
I've come closer to accepting myself the way I am, I do worry about how
it will impact future serious relationships. Currently there is someone
in my life I deeply care about, but my worries about the physical side
of intimacy have made me reluctant to let anything develop with this
person.
Sexual compatibility is often touted as
one of key components of a healthy long term relationship – what does
that mean for my future?
I know I am likely to
stop becoming aroused, as I have in other relationships when the initial
lust fades and I realize the sex act is doing nothing for me. I don't
want a partner to be disappointed in our private life and I do deeply
wish I knew what it was like to connect to someone on that level.
But
I also don't want to be with someone and feel like I “should” be having
sex just to please my partner. For now, I'm still working on improving
my relationship with sex and allowing myself to take time with the
process.
Ultimately I want what everyone wants: to feel normal, and have great sex.