My orgasm is not, perhaps, as mysterious as some believe. Biologists and researchers have looked in depth at many different things – how to tempt us into bed, for instance, or whether we can actually ejaculate when we get there. Some brave women have even masturbated inside MRI scanners, to give scientists a better understanding of what goes on in their brains when they come.
Individual experiments aside – what can applications of technology tell us about our sexual attitudes?
Recently a website called OMGYes has received a lot of praise, thanks to a shoutout from feminist Emma Watson. The site itself is a really neat application of sex tech, aimed at answering that all-important question: how do women orgasm? Based on a large-scale study done in partnership with the Indiana University School of Public Health and the Kinsey Institute, the website combines ‘touchable videos’ with explicit interviews to showcase a startling variety of different techniques.
I explored OMGYes a few weeks ago, and my first reaction was one of surprise at the sheer variety of orgasmic techniques. My own style is, by the site’s standards, pretty basic, and if I were instructing a partner I could do it fairly simply. But that’s because I’m a sex blogger, so I’m not one to shy away from detailed instruction when it helps me get what I want in bed. For those who struggle with the detail, this website may be incredibly valuable.
There’s now an official term for the fact that women tend to orgasm less during sex: the orgasm gap. Many campaigners are working to close that gap – encouraging straight guys to to banish the idea that sex begins with an erection and ends with an ejaculation, and an orgasm for women is simply a lovely bonus. This approach raises other problems: it may actually make it harder for some women, as they replace ‘not having an orgasm’ with ‘being very aware that they’re not having an orgasm.’ Like curing erectile dysfunction by shouting ‘You can do it!’ through a megaphone. But the aim itself is laudable – help women get more pleasure out of sex.
OMGYes has received a lot of praise - Laura Bates of Everyday Sexism said it was ‘fantastically refreshing’ and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller called it ‘a very positive development.’ However he did also caution that ‘no amount of technology is a replacement for effective sexual communication.’ And he’s right. In fact I’d go one further and say that it’s telling us something we should know already. Taking research from thousands of women about orgasm and turning it into a shiny website – that’s all packaging. The fundamental lesson OMGYes is teaching us is this:
Listen to women.
That’s it. If you want to find out how to make a woman come, listen to that individual woman. Ask her questions, request feedback, and listen to her answers.
Great though the site is, and useful as it is, I’m sad that we still see an individual woman’s pleasure as something that needs to be ‘demystified’ by a stranger in a lab coat with a special formula or technique.That’s not to say science can’t tell us anything about orgasm – there are countless questions that would benefit from research and insight. But too often individuals interpret these answers in ways that aren’t helpful - studies on female orgasm become the basis for countless thinkpieces and listicles entitled ‘5 Scientifically Proven Ways To Make Her Come!’ Books of sex tips encourage people to rely on the authority of an outside ‘sexpert’ rather than the person who knows best. Male friends of mine have genuinely asked me: ‘how do I give her an orgasm?’ as if I have some magic window into her mind that’s more powerful than his own perspective – and crucially his ability to ask her himself.
That’s not to say the website has no place. On the contrary – its value is greater because it tells us something about our attitudes. Why are we more excited about a website that shows us techniques than a conversation with our partner in person? Do things like ‘touchable videos’ help us learn techniques, or just hook us in so we’ll pay attention in the class?
Perhaps that’s why sex tech is so fascinating – from websites like OMGYes and vibrators that sync with erotica, right up to advancements in AI that could bring sex robots into our bedroom. They’re interesting not just because they bring a glimpse of the future, but because they tell us about our sexual attitudes now. Virtual reality porn highlights the yawning financial gulf between the mainstream porn studios and independent – often ethical and feminist - porn producers. Techy masturbation ‘gadgets’ for men such as the Kiiroo or the HotOctopuss Pulse shine a spotlight on our gendered attitudes towards self-love. And of course no discussion of sex robots is complete without an analysis of how we understand consent.
Tech has a huge role to play not just in enhancing our sex lives with gadgets and tools, but in helping us understand some of the things we should know already. How do I communicate with my partners? What kind of pleasure am I chasing, exactly? OMGYes gives us details we may not have understood before, but the lesson is one we should have learned years ago. With good enough packaging and a media keen on sex tech, perhaps this time we’ll listen.