My
boyfriend, in particular, was a great help. I can't say it was easy for
either of us, but with his comfort and empathy, I managed to get a
place were the fear faded away. It may still be irritating as hell, but
it's just a part of me that I needed to learn to accept, and he helped
me do this.
With this in mind, I feel that I can
impart some advice to anyone who has started dating someone with OCD. If
you do not have the disorder yourself, then you need to understand that
we are not your burden; we are people. This list is not for your
comfort, but for ours.
Our minds don't work in the same way yours does.
I've
had so many people tell me that something will "be okay if I just stop
thinking about it" or that I'm just being paranoid about something.
Well, congratulations — you've stumbled upon two of the biggest symptoms
of OCD: overthinking and paranoia.
There will
always be times when we can get past a bad thought, but not only does it
take so much mental and emotional energy to do this, sometimes it just
doesn't work. I'm not saying it's easy for a person to push bad
thoughts away and just get on with life, but lets just say if it's a jog
in the park for you, then it's a sprint through a blizzard for us.
You cannot force exposure therapy on us.
If
there's one thing a person with OCD hates, it's when someone suggests
they can be happy, be healthy, if we just "try" to do the things that
scare us or even go cold turkey on doing the things that our disorders
tell us to do.
We will not suddenly feel okay
about the stain on the floor if you tell us that "we'll just go out and
enjoy ourselves instead of worrying about it." She will not stop
checking the lock if you drag her away from the door. I will not stop
blinking compulsively if you tell me to just hold my eyes open for a
while. It doesn't work, and it can actually make things much worse for
us. Exposure therapy can only work in small doses, in a safe
environment, with our consent.
We will apologize — a lot.
Those
of you who have anxiety will recognize this one because it's all in the
same neurological ballpark. For the OCD crowd, that anxiousness is
meshed right in with compulsive thoughts and obsessive behavior. So if
you've ever called your partner "clingy" for constantly asking if you're
okay or for constantly apologizing over something small, then you may
want to rethink how you react next time.
My brain will never be satisfied with one
apology. It's not enough; two words will never show how truly sorry I
am, and I will wonder all day if my apology was only accepted for the
sake of ending the discussion. I'm not saying you can't work with your
partner to help wean them off of this, but do not classify it as clingy
or annoying.
We're not curable.
As
much as I'd love to prove this one wrong, OCD never goes away. Although
it's true that some forms of childhood OCD have been found to work
themselves out by adulthood, it's most likely that if you're dating
someone with the disorder, then they have it for life.
This
doesn't mean certain rituals and compulsions won't disappear over time —
some have for me — but if you're waiting for the day when your partner
will be able to live without any symptoms, like they've just recovered
from a cold, then you're living in a fairytale.
Your love will comfort and help our recovery.
By
"recovery," I mean how we learn to manage the disorder. A lot of us
with OCD may eventually reach a place were the disorder no longer
depresses or scares us. Sure, it'll still bug the hell out of us most of
the time, but being able to cope with the disorder is our form of
recovery.
Having someone by your side to help
through the tough times means more than you can ever know, so don't
underestimate how important you are to your partner.
Don't take our corrections and mood swings personally.
There
are a lot of stereotypes surrounding OCD, but it's true that, for
certain people, cleanliness, order, structure, and just having something
done in a certain way is important to a lot of us. In any other
situation, it may seem annoying for someone to suddenly re-clean a dish
you've already washed or rearrange a desk you had already organized, but
keep in mind that if we don't have our spaces in a certain way, then it
can make us extremely anxious.
Communication and collaboration is key here. It's not personal; it's the OCD.
We will have off days when we won't follow our therapy. Let us.
No
one's mental health is perfect. We all have days when getting out of
bed or going to a therapy session feels like it will do us more harm
than good. Days like these are actually part of our recovery, because
sometimes we just need to give ourselves a break. Everyone misses a day
of two of class, or the gym. Why should therapy be any different? We
can't be skilled at dealing with our OCD every day, so please don't
judge us for it.
Depression and anxiety tie into OCD.
Like
many other mental-health conditions, OCD is linked to other disorders,
and each disorder can affect the other greatly. This isn't the case for
everyone, of course, but it is for many, especially me. Not only can
obsessive-compulsive thoughts spark an anxiety attack, but the
day-to-day routine of your brain telling you that you can't do something
is very upsetting. If you're unsure why your obsessive-compulsive
partner is showing depressive symptoms or suddenly keeling over with a
breathless panic attack, this may be why.
We know it's something we can't control, but let us vent about it.
Many
people try to remind us that, since OCD is incurable and is something
we live with every day, we need to stop complaining about it and think
about something else. I find this ironic considering a huge portion of
OCD is obsessive worrying. It's essentially like saying, "I know you
have a cold but you can't cure it, so stop sneezing." We can complain
and vent about whatever we want — and it helps us.
You don't have to coddle us. Just love and try to understand us.
Above all, we're not tragic souls who are lost
and hopeless within this world. We just endure the world differently.
We need our partners to be sensitive to our disorder, but if you feel
the need to walk on eggshells around us, then something is very wrong.
Learning about the disorder is the first step to understanding what kind of partner you need to be for your loved one.
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